


"Promise you'll be back"

by parkdriu



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 05:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20420942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkdriu/pseuds/parkdriu
Summary: Minho has depression and he doesn't tell anyone until it's too late.





	1. "If it's not too late..."

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ ♡
> 
> The main plot is Minho's depression but there's a bit of Minsung, especially at the end BUT you can interpret them as best friends or lovers, I'll let it to you 
> 
> I want you to read at your own risk because it's very sad and tbh I wrote this from my personal experience (kind of?) and I couldn't sleep and I needed to let some things out so... yeah. 
> 
> Also it's my first fic and English is not my first language and it's 3 a.m. and I'm not feeling well so I'm sorry if I redacted something bad or smth. 
> 
> Enjoy ♡

Lee Minho, known as the main dancer of Stray Kids, a funny and unique boy who always make them laugh, who's always smiling and taking care of everyone.

He never talks about his feelings, it doesn't matter if they were good or bad, he never talks about himself, he just tell random things.

The truth was, he was suffering from depression. He's been depressed since he was young, but he got better after becoming a dancer, a trainee and later an idol. He thought that after all those years of therapy, medication and finding out what he wanted to do and achieving his dreams he was finally cured. 

But he wasn't. 

He's gotten worse since some months ago, he doesn't know why or how. He started to ignore some things at the beginning because he thought they were just breakdowns like everyone could have, he ignored how much of sleep he needed every day and night, everytime they had breaks or some time off he slept while the other members played games or went out, he ignored how he always wanted to be alone in his bed, he didn't want to talk or see anyone, he was tired of people somehow; he ignored how his body started to hurt and feel tiring, he barely couldn't move but as a main dancer he needed to so he obligated himself, he started to take some energy drinks and vitamins every day; he ignored how as time was passing he started to feel like crying all the time, he started to feel alone even though he deeply knew he wasn't, but at the same time he felt he was because he knew no one could understand him.  
Eventually, he realized he was having a depression relapse, but he did when it was too late, he did when all he wanted was to be dead.  
Before that, yes, he had really bad days, he felt like shit, but being with his friends still cheered him... now... he couldn't feel anything good even around the people he most love.

The members didn't were really aware of Minho's change. And he knew it was his fault, he still got up every morning like everyone else, he still ate like normally, he still gave his best in their practices and comebacks, his behavior was normal. 

Minho didn't want to tell them, he kept thinking that it'll pass, he'll be back to the true normal sooner or later. He was in a state of not caring about what was happening to him. Because the truth is, he felt nothing now. He felt dead. He will keep breathing, eating, dancing, singing, playing games sometimes (very few times) with the youngers (to keep pretending), making stupid jokes, laughing, making them laugh. But he knew he was just pretending to be the person everyone thought he was and the person he should have to be. Moreover, he didn't want to bother them because he knew everyone had their own problems, he knew Chan was dealing with insomnia, that he dealt in the past with depression and anxiety and he didn't want to remind him that because of his fault, furthermore, Chan had enough problems with being the leader, producer, lyricist... he barely had time to have meals with them because he was always at the company working or talking with staff, managers or the PD, and to be honest, a depressed member in the group wouldn't help anyone and he knows Chan would feel guilty. The others were busy too, Changbin and Jisung working with Chan almost every night, Woojin trying to keep the dorm in order and helping everyone while he keep practicing, Felix was also very suffocated because he needed to work more on his korean and Minho knew how much he's stressed about it. Hyunjin, Seungmin and Jeongin were also stressed and busy with school and practices. Everyone was busy, not only with their own stuff but helping each other too. And Minho knew he was a lost cause so they didn't have to waste time in him. And he kept thinking that these were just bad days, he will recover.

But the bad days became bad weeks, and the bad weeks in bad months. And he stopped making jokes, he stopped laughing with them, he stopped feeling comfortable around them. He wanted to be alone. He felt the urge necessity of isolate himself. He felt like a bad person, he hated himself a lot, he thought his cherished friends didn't deserve to have a horrible person like him with them. 

They were having a week off, they all were packing their things to go to see their families for a few days.  
They all talked finally about Minho's change when he was sleeping. 

"Nobody knows what is happening to him?" asked Chan. 

They all denied with their head and worried looks.

"Jisung?" 

"I don't... he doesn't talk to me anymore..." 

"Do you know how long has he been like this?" 

"Maybe... the whole year?" 

"The what?!" 

"I don't know! There were little changes but every time I asked him he said it was my imagination and since... 3 months ago maybe? everything became worse and I tried to talk to him but he got mad and told me to leave him alone... and since then we don't even sleep together anymore..." 

"Why didn't we notice?" said Changbin with a sad look and everyone lowered their heads feeling guilty.

"It's not your fault" answered Jisung. "He's really good keeping his emotions and problems and hiding things, you know." 

"Why didn't you tell us earlier, Jisung?" asked Hyunjin.

"I... I thought he would tell me like always... I'm... I'm sorry..." Jisung had tears in his eyes.  
Felix hugged him and everyone sighed.

"We're gonna fix this, don't worry." Chan talked with a little smile to reassure them, but his worried and sad look showed how forced was his smile.

"If it's not too late..." Jisung whispered. Nobody heard him.

Dinner time came and Chan decides that it was time to talk with him. They were sitting down in the living room with chicken and pizza in the table, everyone was trying to eat.

"Minho, are you ok?" 

"Yes, why?" he answered calmly, it surprised himself that he wasn't even scared. Well, there's nothing to be scared of, he will keep being himself –or the Minho he should be– and everything will be fine. 

"We noticed... you're a bit down lately" said Chan carefully. 

"I'm fine...?" He laughed. "I don't understand why do you think that...?" He kept smiling.

"Well... I..." 

"We noticed you've been kind of lonely lately, that you seems to sleep much more than usual but you still seem to be tired. And sometimes while practice you're dizzy and takes lots of vitamins" Woojin talked interrupting Chan, who didn't know what to say.

"Everyone is tired, we all have took vitamins at some point to help us. It's just that, you know we've been very busy lately. I'm fine." 

No one knew what to say, they knew he wasn't going to talk and they didn't want to be rude. It was silence for a few minutes.

"No, you're not. You're not fine." Jisung looked at his eyes firmly. 

Minho frowned and started to feel annoyed. 

"Look, I don't know what do you think but..."

"I think you need help" 

"I don't. I'm telling you I'm fine. I'm just tired but after this week of rest I'll be better, I promise." Minho made a pause and stood up. "I'll go to finish packing my things" 

They looked at each other, not knowing what to do, they've never had to be serious with Minho, they didn't know how to deal with this.

Jisung stood up to and went to their room.  
He entered and saw Minho packing, he stayed in the door watching silently. 

"Do you want something or are you going to be there staring at me like an idiot?" 

Minho used a very harsh tone but Jisung didn't mind it, he knew it was for defense.

"Hyung..." 

"Jisung, please..." Minho sighed and for the first time sounded tired. Jisung approached him and hugged him from behind.

"Hyung, please... talk to me, let me help you..." 

"I'm fine, really." 

"Why do you keep lying to me?" Jisung was about to cry, it was hard to keep the tears. Minho hated himself even more.

"Get out of me" Minho spread apart of the hug, not looking at him yet. "Leave me alone, I'm fine, I don't need help" 

He really thought he didn't need help, that it wasn't necessary, somehow he accepted that he became the person he is today, and he hated that person, but it's what he was. And nobody was gonna change that. He was tired of fighting for many years, it was useless at this point. 

Jisung left the room because he couldn't take it anymore. He started to cry. 

The boys in the living room saw Jisung coming back while letting out sobs and everyone went to hug him. 

"It's ok, Jisung, we will let him for now, we are going to rest this week and when we come back we will do something about it." Chan said while patting his head. 

They went to sleep, or to try it. 

The next morning they were all with they luggage saying goodbye to each other and hugging. 

"Hyung..." Jisung approached Minho and looked at him, not sure if he should say it, his bottom lip started to shake. "Promise you'll be back..." 

That sentence took for surprise to everyone, including Minho. They didn't know what was happening, only both of them. Minho looked at him with a look that nobody could decipher. He didn't answered and he left.


	2. "Please don't leave me..." "I love you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still want to warn you to be careful, this is very sad.

They all were in their respective houses, Felix and Chan stayed with Changbin this time. Three days after, they all received a call from Minho's mother. Minho was at the hospital. They all went there as soon as possible.

They entered in the hospital and found out the floor where Minho was, they saw Minho's parents in the chairs of the corridor. They stood up when they saw them.

"Thank you for coming" said Minho's dad. 

They all felt like they didn't have enough oxygen, they didn't know what to do or say, they've never been that scared in their whole lives.

"What...happened?" Chan said, almost whispering.

"He... tried to kill himself" Minho's mother started to cry. 

"He's fine now, we just need to wait him to wake up" said his father.

"I... I didn't know he was feeling worse again, I thought he was fine, he called me every day and told me about his day so cheerful, why I didn't notice anything strange?" She cried harder and her husband put his hand in her back to comfort her while holding his tears. "Did you know anything?" she asked.

They denied, except Jisung.

"I... maybe..." he started mumbling and all the eyes were on he. He exploded crying and heavy breathing trying to explain really fast and not being able to breathe well. "It's all my fault, I knew something was wrong, I knew he wasn't fine and I did nothing It's my fault I should have insisted more I should have asked for help or have told anyone but I was scared and I thought I would be able to help him but I let him distance himself, I left him alone, I broke my promise of never leave him, I should have known this was going to happen when he didn't promise me he would be back when he left, I'm so stupid, I hate..." 

"It's fine" said the woman while hugging him "Calm down, breathe..." she did a pause and everyone stayed silent, the only noise was Jisung's sobs. "I know he told you, and I know how close you two are, and how much you trust and love each other. I'm sure you tried. I'm sure you did your best." 

Jisung looked at her still crying. "But..." 

"He was really bad back then when he did it the first time, no one could help him at those moments, I'm sure this time wasn't different, it's not your fault he's here again..." 

They didn't understand anything they were talking about. They were looking at them confused.

"Hello, Mr. and Miss Lee?" a Doctor came. "He's awake" 

The two adults looked at each other with relief and told the kids to wait outside, that they could see him later. 

"Jisung..? Can you tell us what did just happened?" Seungmin said with soft voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you... He told me not to. Long time ago I was with Minho Hyung at the practice room, we were both tired after practicing for hours so we sit on the floor. We started to talk and I was feeling bad at that time and shared some of my thoughts with him... but I wasn't that bad as him! I was just tired of trying and I didn't feel enough for anything or anyone and then Minho told me about his past, he told me he's suffered from depression for some years, that he went to therapy and took medication and that he tried to kill himself several times, some of them were almost the end... but he told me he was better, he was fine. And it was the truth. Some months before I saw him and I was with him in his often breakdowns but nothing too serious, we thought it was normal when you recover from a mental illness but you still keep experience some things sometimes. But this time... I guess it was different... and I guess I noticed late..." 

"You didn't leave him alone, you know it right? He distanced himself." talked Woojin.

Jisung stayed silent, holding his tears again.

"Why?" he sobbed. "Why did he push me away from him? I promised him I was always going to be there. I was with him when he needed to talk or cry, I was with him in every moment... why now he didn't let me?" he made a pause. "Does he not trust me anymore?" he whispered while tears kept falling down in his face.

They hugged him and cried too because they couldn't keep the tears anymore.

"He does... but..." Chan sighed. "We don't know what was on his mind..." 

The only sound in the entire floor of the hospital was the crying of eight boys. 

"I don't want him to die" Jeongin cried harder.

"He...won't..." Changbin told him trying to keep together.

They kept crying a few minutes more and when they calmed down, Minho's parents were leaving the room. 

"He's stable, but... he's not... fine? right now, are you sure you want to see him?" his dad told them.

"Yes" 

"Be careful... and strong" said his mother.

They stepped in the room. Minho was sitting in the bed looking down.  
They stood up closer to him.

"Hey" Chan tried to smile to him. But Minho didn't raise his head. 

They stayed in silent, and suddenly someone's sobs were heard. It was Jeongin.  
They tried to calm him down and tried to not broke in tears too. Minho lifted up his head to watch them, their faces were red and swollen up from crying, and the youngest couldn't stop crying.

"Fuck" Minho whispered but they heard him.

"Hey...Uhmm..." Jisung went closer with a fake cheerful tone and fake smile just to try to make him know they were fine. "Don't worry Hyung, we are here. We got your back. You'll be fine. We won't leave" Jisung hold his hand. "I won't leave you" 

Minho started to cry and with him everyone else did too. 

"I'm sorry" his voice was weak. 

"It's not your fault" said Felix with a little smile even though he was still crying.

"We're not mad, we will help you Hyung, you're not alone." this time talked Hyunjin.

"You're going to be fine." said Seungmin.

"I... I can't" he answered.

"You can Hyung... you're strong, you've recover once and you're going to do it again, and now we're with you" Jisung tightened his hand.

"No..." Minho left Jisung's hand. "I don't want to." 

"What... do you mean?" 

"I don't want you to be with me. You deserve better. And I can't do this anymore, If I relapsed it's because I can't be fine. It's who I am. This is my life, this is me. I can't be helped. I won't be fine ever." 

"Hyung... that's not true... please... let us help, give us and give yourself a opportunity and you'll be fine soon." 

"No. I'm too tired. I don't want to keep fighting, I don't want to keep waking up every morning feeling like shit because I wish I wasn't wake up, I don't want to keep pretending I can do everything in my daily routine as if I was fine, I don't even have strength to wash up or eat anymore, I don't want to have anxiety attacks at nights because I wish I could sleep forever but the moment I fall sleep I have nightmares and I hear voices in my ears screaming at me. I don't want to keep living." 

"Minho..." 

They tried not to start crying again. They felt guilty for not having noticed before. He was really ill. 

"Leave me, please." 

"Minho... we love you... we..."

"I know, I love you too" he interrupted them. "That's why I need you to leave me." 

"Hyung..." Jisung was about to have a panic attack soon, he was crying harder than ever, his chest felt heavy, he couldn't breathe.

"Please..." Minho cried too. "I love you so much guys, you are the best that happened to me, thank you for being my friends, thank you for trusting in me and letting me be in the group, thank you for accepting me when I can't even accept myself... you all are so precious, you are amazing people, I love you." 

"Minho please don't do that..." Chan said watching how everyone was crying, not knowing what to say or do and watching Jisung worst than ever. 

Minho smiled at them. As he always does. That smile that he gives them when they're nervous or worried about something, the same smile he gives to Chan everytime he wakes him after he's been the whole night working, the same smile he gives Woojin when he takes care of him since nobody does it since he's the third oldest and he only have Woojin and Chan;  
the same smile he gives to Changbin when he's writing lyrics and feel insecure about them, the same smile he gives Hyunjin and Felix after every dance practice together telling them how good they are, the same smile he gives to Seungmin when he's nervous when he has to be an MC, the same smile he gives Jeongin when he helps him with his homework, the same smile he gives everyday to Jisung every time he does something funny or cute. That smile always made them feel better, but not now. 

Minho whipped away Jisung's tears with his hands and hold his cheek. 

"Sungie, I'm sorry I can't keep my promise. I told you I'd always be with you... I'm really sorry" 

"Hyung, please, don't, please, please..." he cried more. "I love you, I love you so much, I'm sorry for not telling you before, please don't leave me..." his voice broke.

"I have to leave you... because I love you too. Sungie, you're the best person I've ever met, I want you to keep being the bright and funny kid you are, because thanks to you I had good days, thanks to you I could smile and laugh... I want you to not feel insecure about anything, because you're so talented, your voice is amazing, and..." Minho whipped away more tears, caressed his cheek and looked at him with a fond smile. "And you're so beautiful." 

Jisung wanted to say something but he couldn't stop crying. He didn't know what was planning Minho but he was scared. 

At that moment a nurse entered the room.

"Have you done? We need to do more tests to him, you can come back later." 

"Yeah... c'mon guys" said Chan pushing them slightly to the door, not sure about wanting to go.

"Hyung..." said Jisung while walking to the door and looking back at him.

"I love you, Jisung" Minho smiled. 

Then every thing happened so fast in Jisung's eyes. They were walking out while the nurse was reading some papers about him, he saw Minho making some weird moves, then suddenly he disconnected every machine that was connected at him. Jisung left Chan's hold abruptly and ran toward Minho screaming his name. The nurse started screaming other's doctors name. One of the machine that had a line going up and down, went fully down, and it made a high constant sound. Minho's eyes were closed. Minho was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He must have felt really helpless and lost because he couldn't try it anymore, not even for his friends...right?
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed and I'm sorry If I did any mistake and If I made you feel bad, sad or something. And, even If I don't do it myself, look for help if you need it even if you don't want to, you'll find out that your life matters, that you're worth it, and that you'll be fine.  
Thanks for reading ♡


End file.
